San Diego stands as one of my favorite places to live. Through the Navy, I was blessed with four glorious, cumulative years of beautiful scenery and mild weather. For anyone who claims they hate San Diego, well, I hate you too...and you are probably just butt-hurt because you spent your entire tour on deployment, at sea, or caught an STD from a Tijuana hooker.
Speaking of Mexico, San Diego also happens to border it. As I now take you back to 2007, so begins the story of a drunken Thanksgiving weekend with friends in the beautiful province of Sonora, Mexico.
In order to get there, we would have to take an arduous cross country drive from our training school in San Diego, across state lines to Arizona, and then zip down through the border, deep into Sonora. So I packed my bags and the five of us hopped into *Mary’s SUV and began that long 18 hour journey.
This would be my first trip to Mexico, and since I was incredibly ignorant and watched way too many movies, I prayed that we would be able to make it to our destination with at least all of our kidneys intact.
Fortunately, our trip was incredibly uneventful and we made it to Mary’s parents’ house in one piece. When we we arrived, we were blown away by her digs. She lived in a gorgeous hacienda style home carved right out of the mountain cliffs!
When we entered this beautiful home, we were greeted by her lovely mother, and gorgeous younger sister, Evelyn*. We could see the instant schwing attraction that one of the guys, *Brian, had for Evelyn and thus the wheels began a-turning in our twisted heads.
Before trolling was an official concept, Lugo, *Mike, and I were already Masters of the Art of Assholery and had begun to hatch an epic plan to screw with Brian as much as we could. Especially after Mary had made the ultimatum that if he tried anything with her sister, she would castrate him. It would have brought great shame upon us to have let this opportunity go to waste.
After settling in, we would head out to have a nice traditional dinner (…..is it still called Mexican food, if it is being eaten in Mexico??) and then go out for some drinks and dancing at a few of the little clubs that littered the little coastal town.
For those of you who are not too familiar with Mexican law. It is actually legal to purchase pharmaceuticals without a prescription there. So our drug of choice to being Viagra, the boys would get some from the local dispensary and then spike Mike’s drink with it, then once that rager set in, we would spend the entire night cock-blocking him.
Before I continue, Yes, I know, this is an incredibly shitty thing to do to someone. Not only is drugging someone immoral, but it is also illegal! We really don’t have an excuse, and I recognize that there could have been serious consequences that night.
However, this was 9 years ago, and like I caveat-ed earlier, we were dicks back then (no pun intended), so please don’t try doing this yourself—or to someone else. Is it funny? Maybe to us it was–at the time, but not to the person you are messing with. Things could have turned out really bad that night, but since they didn’t, let us continue….
After dinner was finished, we made our way to the first club of the night. It was a divey pool hall filled with a couple of locals and tourists. While we started partying with drinks and chit-chat, Mike and Lugo slipped out to get the Viagra. My mission was to then distract Brian while they crushed it into his giant Margarita. Once the deed was done, I then challenged him to a chugging match.
It took about 30 minutes, or so, to see any effect. After a couple of rounds of dancing, Brian pulled Lugo and Mike aside and said,
“I could, like, f%ck anything right now.”
So he tried, but after several other clubs and several failed attempts on his part to seal the deal with anyone, we all returned to Mary’s house to party in her pool and hot tub. The night was still young and we knew Brian still had his eyes set on Evelyn. To instigate the situation further, we managed to find ways to leave Evelyn and Brian alone long enough for Mary to notice and come running like a mother hen protecting her chick.
Poor Brian turned in for the night with nothing but blue balls and a hangover to look forward to the next day. In the morning, over breakfast, we confessed our sins to Brian, who simply replied.
“Man, no wonder I had such a raging boner.”
This incident of course set a precedent from which to continue the refinement of my skills in douchery. In hindsight I recognize that all of the crazy things that have happened to me after this period is probably a result of some much deserved Karma.
In the end, he didn’t care and we all laughed about it the rest of the trip. We spent the remainder of the vacation enjoying our time away from the monotony of our training by partying it up and relaxing by the beach and sightseeing. Nine years later, though many of us have moved on with our lives, the memories still live on.
*Names changed to protect the guilty.